I just celebrated my twenty-ninth birthday on Monday, and I cannot go without acknowledging how beyond blessed my heart has felt this entire week. As I fell awake early that morning, I sauntered into the kitchen wearing my most comfortable robe, happily turned on the Keurig, and fixed myself a cup of coffee. I sat down in the dining room as my thoughts began to drift through years of memories and the countless ways that Christ has made His presence and provision known along my journey of life. Mom and Ollie were still sound asleep, so that gave me an hour of alone time to sit and reflect on how faithful and good God has been through every chapter of my story.
I wanted to share my testimony in depth because my journey holds so many instances of His grace and mercy. I shared a snippet of my story on Monday evening, but my journey goes so much deeper, and my life is so much sweeter because of everything I've experienced. A lot of the greatest chapters have gone unread. I'm finally ready to tell the whole story.
My mother and I have such a special bond. Most twenty nine year olds have spouses and dream of having a family. I remember a time when I held that same desire, but I've reached a point where I've had the realization that it is unnecessary for my life journey. I've got everything I need. I love to write. The blog and the book I'm working on are the two avenues that I'm focusing on at the moment. I have a home. A husband is something I've never prayed for. I'm content with life as it is. Why would I want to change it? Knowing myself well, those things would distract me from fulfilling God's wonderful plan for my life.
I think the whole "open book" mindset has to be the greatest part of this particular birthday. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of fumbles but through all of it, my perspective on a number of areas in my life has only continued to mature and blossom.
My mother and I have weathered countless storms, and I love that we have had each other through it all. She has been a single parent, as my Momma and Dad divorced when I was eight years old. He and I have an interesting relationship. I possess an unconditional love for my father, though he hurt me deeply as a child. I still have a hard time turning away from him. I have no desire to. I have been faced with a lot of personal trauma in the past and my prayer for twenty nine is to keep trusting in Christ to become more vocal, to continue on my healing journey, and to help others who may feel they are stuck as victims in the process. Christ has given me the desire to love as He does and I'm glad He did. I still speak with my dad periodically, and my heart will always be thankful for him too, as both of my parents are the other reason that I exist. The fact is that he has never been a great or present parent, but Christ is working with me in relation to forgiving him; there have been times where I haven't made the wisest of choices either, yet He still forgives me and with each day provides a fresh slate with new opportunities to serve and praise my Savior.
After my parents divorce, Mom remarried and we moved out to the country. We lived on a 47-acre farm for almost four and a half years and although its appearance was beautiful, the inside of that home soon became filled with abuse and sadness. My ex stepfather began sexually abusing me around the ages of nine and ten years old. I have a vivid memory of the first time he did it. That kind of abuse leaves behind deep-seated scars. This source of trauma alone has defined so much of me for such a long time. I catch myself still asking for permission to do things. I still have nightmares occasionally. I still grapple with questioning myself over every little interaction. I still become angry at the situation and my flesh periodically wishes that I could make him pay for what he did to me. Predators work to groom you in order to gain your trust and slowly begin to instill a deep state of fear in your mind. It's difficult to understand that someone would ever decide to harm a child in that way. The question my heart still searches for an answer to is : "Why would someone do such a thing?"
I accepted Christ as my personal Savior at the age of twelve on June 24th, 2004. I didn't grow up in church. I had only attended Awana a few times as a seven year old, but in the summer of 2004 I had started attending vacation bible school at my sister's then church, Independent Missionary Baptist Church in Alum Creek, West Virginia. My brother in law was serving as the youth pastor there at the time. It was a welcome reprieve from what was still going on at home, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself that week. Thursday night rolled around, and it changed my life forever. I can't tell you what lesson was being taught that night, or who the teacher was, but I remember her asking at the end that if there was anyone without Christ that would like to accept as their Savior to raise their hand. I felt my hand go up. The lady led me outside after everyone else had filed out of the room. She prayed with me out in that parking lot & led me to Christ.
What a wonderful night that was! Little did I know just how much would change for the better. A short while later, my ex stepdad was out of the picture and we were looking for a place to move. My mother had filed for divorce and I just wanted to leave the situation behind and never look back; it is the very reason that I never pursued filing sexual abuse charges. I didn't think I could handle it, and I still don't think that I could, even after all of these years have passed. However, if there's one thing that life experience has shown me it is that you can't live your life as a victim of anything. As I mentioned earlier, it has taken me a lot of instances of falling down in my walk with Christ, but my attitude has finally begun to shift. I'm not sharing my story for others to take pity on me. I want other women to realize that it is okay to be vocal about your traumas, and I hope the words I write today and will write about in the future encourage others to work on shedding their 'victim identities'. It is easy to become a victim. Abusers assert themselves by making you feel powerless, unlovable, and your spirit becomes filled with shame. Christ doesn't want you to live that way. Jesus provides you with the courage to speak, He loves unconditionally, and He desires for you to live out your life unashamed and full of fighting faith.
The house out in the country burned to the ground as we were in the process of moving boxes. We managed to bring the first load to my grandmother's house before the double wide went up in flames. I lost my seven month old puppy, Tobie, to smoke inhalation. We weren't there at the time, and I cannot imagine how terrified she must have felt. The firemen discovered her in my room.
The aftermath of the fire was the first major way that the Lord blessed me. I stayed home for a couple of days after everything happened, but when I returned to school, a dear friend of mine had several garbage bags filled with clothes she had for me. This was a huge deal, because we had lost everything we owned. Everyone we knew rallied around us. It was amazing to feel Christ's love through so many people. I couldn't believe it and to this day I still feel so grateful to everyone.
We lived with my Mamaw Johnston for two years and it took me until the age of fourteen to sit down and tell my mother all of the details behind what I had gone through. She prayed with me on that night & I have always been so thankful that she has been there for me through every trial. Her praying with me was a comfort that stands out in my memory. We are bonded not just through her having cancer before I was born, but also because we have known so much tribulation together. As time has continued to pass, we've known even more joy and for that I feel blessed beyond measure. She has always taught me to find a way to overcome every obstacle.
In the midst of all of this, I have soldiered through with cerebral palsy. In retrospect, I view my disability as something that God used to protect me. I grew up always feeling ostracized. The hurtful words of others posed a threat to my self confidence. I never felt like I was good enough. It hurt. But it made me tough.
Knowing Christ as my personal Savior has been the best part of my journey. He has been a constant source of encouragement, a shelter of refuge in my times of need, and a faithful source of love through each decision I've made. Because of Him, I stand as a work in progress who is learning to be more forgiving, more fearless, and to have fighting faith.
I will never stop praising Jesus. He continuously molds me every day.
"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand" (Isaiah 64:8 King James Version)