The topic that I was asked to blog about this week revolves around an issue that impacts many people and has personally impacted my life in a significant way for the past five years. The topic is depression, which is known to many as a silent, little known disease, but it is one that can lead to a disastrous outcome. I was asked this question, “If someone is failing in school, struggling with friendships, and feeling depressed and suicidal, would they know who to go to for help on campus?”
As a young woman who has dealt with this illness for many years, I am going to be very blunt and honest and say that when someone is in that much emotional pain, they do not want to be helped; they see absolutely no way out of the darkness of their mind and their suffering; and all they are thinking about are ways to end their pain. The most important key to a healthy recovery is a solid support system, and for me that has always been my mother and my family, including my older sister. During both of the two major depression episodes that I have had, my Mom and those closest to me have had to force me to seek help. So today, I want to share a bit of the details of what I’ve dealt with and give advice to family members or friends who might be concerned for their loved one and share some of the signs to look for if it is suspected that they are suffering from depression; it is a very serious illness and I hope that today my readers leave informed and aware.
1) Sleeping More Than Usual/Sleeping Less Than Usual: As I have said, I have dealt with depression at two very different points of my life; once when I was 18 and beginning the college journey, and again at the age of 22 after graduating from college. My sleeping habits were affected both times. At 18, I chose to move away from home. I moved into the dorms at WVSU and found out that I did not enjoy the “college experience”. I missed my Mom and the comfort of home even though it was just 25 minutes away. A few weeks into the semester, I began missing classes and I started to realize that I was spiraling downward but I didn’t care. I began sleeping for the majority of my days there and hardly ever got out of bed. I hated life there so much. The loud noise of music and constant chatter was everywhere and I couldn’t adjust no matter how hard I tried. I started to imagine myself falling asleep and never waking up. I can remember just lying in bed one day and hearing a girl from down the hall banging on my door trying to find out how I was because she hadn’t seen me for several days and was worried. I would at times go to the door, say hello to whoever knocked, and then get back into bed. I didn’t want to be bothered. The second episode of depression that I had was quite different in regards to sleeping patterns; the timing was different also. At 22, I was a recent college graduate and was going through a lot of unexpected life changes. I couldn’t sleep at all. I had begun having major problems with insomnia while still in school, but I just attributed it to college life. I slept 4 hours a night at most but graduating college made things much worse; during this past summer, there were a few occasions that I only catnapped, sleeping for an hour. My mind just couldn’t stop racing. School had been my life for I don’t know how long, and at the time was the meaning of my existence. I just could not cope and no amount of sleep could change how I felt. I missed my friends. I missed the closeness of the friendships; even though we were all friends on Facebook and I knew they loved me, it made no difference because in my mind I felt that they would somehow disappear. The mind can play strange tricks and sleep can be affected in various ways, but both are equally as draining. If you see this happening in your loved one, don’t write it off as laziness. Do something.
2) Body Aches: This is one of the most standard, yet excruciatingly painful parts of depression. It is not your normal little aches and pains, and I’m used to muscle aches due to my cerebral palsy; I’m talking about every crevice of your body aching; even the hair on my head and my fingertips ached. The pain made it so hard to move and no medicine would get rid of it. I can remember one morning in particular, waking up and walking into the kitchen and I broke down in tears because I missed the purpose that I felt I had lost. I was so exhausted and in sheer misery; my emotional pain became my physical pain. It is not easily explained or understood, but it is very, very real.
3) Change in Eating Habits: A change in the eating habits of your loved one can be one of the biggest red flags. Some people may overeat, but I have always been one to almost stop eating altogether. I didn’t want to eat. Healthy eating habits are very important for daily functioning. I had always a little insecure about my body anyway, and once I began losing weight I liked the attention I was getting, whether it was positive or negative; however, once my depression started to worsen, my not eating more than a few bites became about not caring what happened to my body.
4) Random Crying Spells: If your friend or loved one is showing signs of depression, you may also notice them crying a lot more than usual. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I know that both times that I have gone through this, my thoughts always centered around me feeling as if I wasn’t a good enough individual. At 18, I couldn’t “fit in” with the girls on campus, and at 22, I couldn’t “fit in” with society, even after working so hard to earn my college education. I felt useless and all I did was cry all day every day. At this point, if you try to ask your loved one what is upsetting them so, they may not open up because they may not even know how to share their feelings. I know I tend to clam up when I don’t want to tell my mother something because I know she doesn’t always understand. It is okay for you not to understand, the important thing is that the person has family to intervene. I’m so glad my Mom did.
5) Change in Appearance: A loved one who is suffering may begin talking and thinking negatively about themselves. The may begin not to care about showering, brushing their hair, or taking care of their teeth. When a person is depressed, none of these things matter. I remember feeling that even if I did fix myself up all pretty, I still wouldn’t feel good about myself and for that matter, no one would care whether I looked nice or not. So, I stopped paying attention to my appearance. My hair ended up being a dirty looking, tangled up mess and I felt as though that was the epitome of how I viewed myself at the time. I didn’t like myself and I didn’t care.
6) Thoughts of Death: Depression reaches a devastating level when a loved one begins thinking that suicide is a reasonable option and that their family would be better off without them. In the two times that I have dealt with depression, I have only been suicidal once and that was this past year. A lot of people view is as selfishness, and in a way it is, but it is not the same kind of selfishness. That person is thinking of a way to make their pain stop. You cannot understand how much a person might be going through unless you have lived it for yourself. In my case, I had a lot going on with life. My mother and I have always been very close and she had just been diagnosed with lupus. We didn’t know how serious it was at the time, and I have an aunt on my father’s side of my family that had passed away due to lupus complications a few months earlier; the thought of losing my mother absolutely terrified me. I was also trying to cope with my graduation from college and the changes with that, and seeing all of my friends go on with their lives; I tried so desperately to hold onto as much as I could. A depressed person is full of irrational thoughts. At the time, Robin Williams had just passed away and I identified with his story, because a lot of his feelings were my feelings. At this point, I lost hope; your loved one will not consider the impact of their actions on their family and they will not care about the pain everyone around them will go through as a result of their death.
7) Self Harm: Self harm is one of the most alarming signs you may notice in your loved one that something is terribly amiss. When a person hurts themselves, it is to try to mask the deeper pain that is on the inside; from my experience, I can say the moment that I did it gave way for a very peaceful, happy feeling; I had dealt with so much that summer and was just tired of it all; the happiness was brief but for that moment , I felt good. It can be a scary and hurtful thing to see that your loved one is doing that to themselves. I know how much it hurt my mother; I can still remember the look of both fury and terror on her face.
I feel that this is a most important issue in the world today and all I hope is that someone will learn something from my story. Depression is not a joke. Suicide is not for attention. I have been so blessed and am fortunate to have the support system that I do. Do not just stand by and watch someone you love suffer. Take action. Be forceful and firm if need be; they may get angry at you for butting in at that moment, but trust me later on they will love and appreciate you for it; depression is hard to overcome, but with the right help it can be done.