September 1st saw the arrival of the 3rd birthday of my most precious blessing that is my blog, Molly's Zone. The passage of time and its speed grow remarkably fast as one grows older; it is hard to fathom that I am right on the brink of hitting the 100th blog post milestone. Craziness! The lessons of life and the countless stories we grow to possess as we walk with the Lord are truly amazing; the joys and the unexpected blessings we receive due to answered prayers are nothing short of incredible.
Molly's Zone is a special treasure for me; its not just a blog, but an integral part of my testimony of faith. The most riveting part of my life story. One of the greatest examples of God working in my life that I had the pleasure of experiencing.
I've lived and evolved so very much in the span of just three years--I've seen the world and have come to know no greater everlasting joy than that of serving my Lord and Savior. No lasting joy lies within the darkness and evil that consumes this world.
The past year has been a time of deep and necessary exploration; seeing the world sharpened my faith & alerted me to an ever present terrible human quality that I possess. I am the worst decision maker. I get these wild notions to "do what I want to do". I could not make a good decision if my life depended on it. I make choices that are sometimes not in my best interest. I got too much into the world and drifted away from my truest and deepest passion---writing. My life as of recent has certainly reflected that---a time of previously unspoken internal chaos & unmistakable uncertainty regarding what I have been doing with my life. Where was I going? I really didn't have a clue. Thankfully, I am getting my life back on track. I have given my life back to Christ as of last week. I'm returning to blogging full time. I'm starting over. Thankful for a God who gives us second and third chances.
As a Christian, humans so often forget to put God first. We do possess the free will to make our choices, but we cannot run from Him when He puts a calling on our hearts to do something for Him. He will always find us no matter how far we run. He always reminds us of the human condition and our desperate need for His guidance.
I prayed before I wrote this story out. I knew I wanted to put together something of sentimental value due to September 1st being a special day for me for two separate reasons.
I decided to share the story with you today. I have written about my writing testimony previously, but I felt like sharing the story in its entirety today. On the blog, I've been very vocal about my depression and anxiety struggles and I just want to say if anyone who reads this is struggling, it will be okay. God can help you climb of whatever mess you're in.
First of all, I did not want to be a writer at all. Ever. I have known that I would end up writing since 2011. I felt the constant, yet gentle pull on my heart to write something; what He wanted me to do exactly is the part I wasn't sure of just yet. As a college student, I continued to ignore Him for several years. I had professors begging me to major in journalism. I lived as someone who longed to live a life that portrayed me to be as able-bodied as possible. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted that special group of friends & I had built the life I longed for while living the biggest lie possible; I wasn't being myself & while I seemed happy...well, someone who pretends to be something they're not can't possibly be genuinely happy. I changed majors three times and finally graduated after four years of hard core studying, classes, and exams. I had prepared for the picturesque fantasy ending that I had painted so vividly in my mind. Life was surely going to be wonderful. Everything went perfectly: I had loved my classes & to heighten my chances of employment I had made sure to finish with honors. Yes everything would be peachy.
Right? Well, I had a plan anyway and nothing was going to get me away from it. I could do an office job. I knew all about the different software and computer programs; how to do spreadsheets, how to maneuver Excel and PowerPoint.
The summer of 2014 exists forever in my memory as one of the most vividly painful periods of my life. Graduating was a wonderful highlight, but the months following saw me spiral downward with lightening force and speed.
I think all of the disability community will agree with the statement that we struggle for acceptance. Especially when we are just starting our social lives, we tend to strive to blend in with groups and try our hardest to "fit in" no matter how ridiculous we may sound or look. We do things without really giving it any thought. Those friends I had made in college began to drift away, or so I felt. Two job interviews that I had been on had been unsuccessful. I was beginning to feel worthless and not confident in the slightest. I was reminded of my disability and I was in that toxic mind frame of existing as a burden. Any positive outlook I had built had crumbled and vanished into thin air. I was sinking into that dark abyss where no one ever wants to go to.
Depression.
To make matters worse, I had ended a year long relationship I'd had, and my mother was diagnosed with lupus. Her diagnosis completely shattered me. I will never forget the day we found out & the doctor told us they didn't know at the time which kind it was or how severe her case was. I fell completely apart. We drove home and I remember sobbing. Inconsolable. I couldn't even talk.
How could life be going this wrong? Everything was crumbling down around me. I saw no end in sight.
September 1st, 2014 was my mental rock bottom. My depression had consumed me and I was at my all time low. I was at the point that I had lost all hope. Nothing would pull me out of where I was at. My life was nothing. I remember those thoughts so painfully well. (I'm thankful I've never experienced that severity since). Depression is real folks and when you're in that hole it's easy to completely lose sight of sanity.
My mother saw the shape I was in and thought time away from home would help me to clear my head and regroup. I stayed a few days with my sister and while I didn't understand right away, a seed was definitely planted.
My sister Stacy and I have 13 years between us in age, so we have never had a chance to have a ton of heart to hearts. That first night I was there, I got the strangest urge to head upstairs to her bedroom and as we were talking she gently remarked that my relationship with Jesus was more important than any friendship I could have on Earth. Her exact wording is one thing that escapes my memory, but I have never forgotten how that sentence stuck with me for almost an entire year before I decided enough was enough. Looking back, I can see how God used her to plant that thought and desire back into my heart.
I needed God. I needed to surrender to whatever it was He wanted me to do.
On June 21, 2015 I surrendered my heart to Christ after praying feverishly for purpose; after that night, I continued praying. I told Him whatever He wanted me to do is what I would do. Anything. I remember nights of begging Him, crying, and telling Him to just help me. I was sorry for getting away from Him. I was sorry for all of the foolish things I'd done. I told Him "I can't do this anymore. I can't do this without You."
Two weeks later, my aunt got married & during her wedding reception, a family member and I got to chatting and she remarked on my writing ability that she'd noticed via Facebook. She was in the process of launching an occupational therapy business and was looking for a cheerleader for her clients, someone to be an inspiration and she thought I would be the perfect fit. She asked me if I would be interested in blogging for her, and I said yes without hesitation.
An answered prayer, I thought. How wonderful! A new beginning!
On that night, the concept of Molly's Zone was born.
My life changed in the most beautiful way. I prepared material for the official launch of the blog during those following two months & waited excitedly for its premiere.
September 1st, 2015 was the launch day for Molly's Zone. I've always marveled at how cool it is that both my darkest day & my most blessed day happened exactly one year apart. Right down to the day. I've always loved sharing this story as it represents a true milestone in my walk with Christ. It is a true representation of His planning & guidance. I can look back on that day & remember how low and lost I was when I felt like He wasn't there, but how beautifully He turned my life around in just one year. I think He meant for that to fall that way; I truly do.
The Lord is always there when You need Him. He teaches us the greatest lessons and helps us to grow. I have developed so much as a child of God, through this last year & I'm so happy to have another new start ahead. I'm happy being Molly. I don't need to be anyone else. I'm happy to return to blogging, occasional publishing, and my sweet and blessed little life. I can't wait to see what the future holds for Miss Molly. Wherever He leads, I will follow.
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