For My Momma

For my Momma,

A semi late birthday message for you

Our bond is a cherished one between us two

I hope you had a wonderful birthday

Even though I made a cobbler that we thought of throwing away


Times of laughter, times of happiness

You fill my heart with so much gladness

No one knows our story as well as we do

I am forever glad it has always been just me and you


My heart is filled with adoration

For our time spent together since my creation

Our relationship is stronger than any age old mushy letter

Our bond is deep inside the heart, which makes it that much better

I hope you enjoy this poem

You always say "you never write poems that rhyme."

I hope you know how much I love you

Beyond the end of time

I Am Human

I am not quite sure how to begin this post. I have never featured content concerning my father or his family before as a writer; to say this past weekend was a huge deal is an understatement. My father and I do not have a close relationship. In all reality, our lifelong connection has largely been nonexistent. My father has been what I call a 'revolving door' parent all of my life and caused a great deal of pain in my childhood and residual effects from an ex stepfather have lasted well into my adult years.

I had a wonderful visit with him and my half sisters on Sunday afternoon: Kathy, Stephanie, and Amanda. My half brother Whit (my father's son) is currently in jail due to drug use and I reconnected with him via telephone. We ate, we talked, and we all took pictures. I even got to meet and hold my newest nephew Jude.

I love my father but my heart just has a hard time overlooking the time that was lost and the painful memories of my past. I wouldn't call it unforgiveness; I forgive him. The time lost and the connections undone are what hurts the most. I sat and ate, remembering my grandmother. She passed away almost ten years ago and to this day the grief is so powerful; sometimes at night I lie in bed and cry because I miss her love and the way she and my great aunt Irene loved me. I grew up extremely close to them as a young child and I had that connection ripped away from me. I possess home videos and candles that Mamaw Ruby & I painted during one afternoon in which she babysat me.

The effect of a visit with my father always plays out the same reaction from my soul: I become nervous before it is time to see him, I go and enjoy myself, and then a few days later the deeply buried grudge I possess returns with a striking force. I know I am not the only person who has experienced dealing with an absentee parent. I so long for the day when he would admit to how he has been without making excuses; with that, I believe the grudge would lessen in its severity. I have grown up with such anxiety towards men and he is part of the reason why; to me, he is the man of empty promises. He never follows through with anything. As a child, I grew up begging for his attention. As I've gotten older, I no longer initiate visits but he is welcome to see me; I will never say no to seeing him. I go any time he asks. He has lied to me countless times.  He goes several years without a visit.

I'm sorry I cannot let that go. I can't pretend like that last twenty years didn't occur. I am happy that my sisters are happy. I wish the best for them. I enjoyed the visit. I enjoyed the food. Happy memories flashed into my mind (my dad's kebabs have always been the best about any cookout that was had when I was a child and my parents were still married)

I know Daddy loves me in his own way. I accept that. I just hope that in time the grudge I hold will disappear.

I am sorry, but I am human.

Lastly, to address the question that I am sure is on everyone's minds after seeing the posts of pictures and seeing my father on Facebook as "Jake Mason". Daddy told me that his Facebook had been hacked continuously and that he felt he had to change his name on it to protect himself; what the actual reason is, I do not know. My father has always been strange; not quite all right in the mind, I don't think. His name is Stephen Spence. The name Jake Mason comes from a time he worked in Orlando at Six Gun Territory, a theme park sort of thing.

I am happy to have my mom and to be where I am at in life; I wanted to share how I felt and explain what may be confusing to some.

The Stepping Stones of Growth

Life has an interesting way of leading us down paths that we might never have expected to visit. The journey of experience is often adventurous and full of priceless teachable moments.

The ups and downs of living often carry heavy weights within our souls; times of abundant blessings are wonderful, while the not so happy times aren't as joyful. Why do we go through these waves of time? Why can't it just be good all the time?

Another possible question is this: why do we experience some things in the way that we do? Why do we meet some people in certain ways or in certain times of our walk with Christ?
Maybe you've not had much luck with life lately. Everything is a mess and it just seems like God isn't listening.

I love Christ, but I don't understand why I am in this stage of my life. I had the best intentions and my life has just fallen apart. I don't know how I got to where I am at. Christ and I lost touch it seems and I just have no idea how He is going to use me anymore. Everything in life is so wrong. 

Have you ever had the above thought? I included this because I know as a Christian who possesses a stubborn, strong will paired with a desire for the Lord, I definitely have! I am thankful for my Savior because every thought, every choice, and every experience has taught me a valuable lesson. Satan loves to put the italicized thought in my mind frequently and it is a shame that in the past I have allowed it to overpower my being.

It is so common to ask ourselves the above questions and view it through a shadowed lens. What if we put those questions in a different context?

Life can't be great all the time, and yes as humans we do stumble. We do experience blessings. We do feel happy. We do get weary in spirit; however, God is good all the time.

What if we looked at our journeys as stepping stones of growth instead of allowing parts of the road to put the brakes on our faith? We sometimes meet people we need for a season in order for God to grow us in some way; others we may be blessed with for a lifetime. Don't let Satan drill that negativity into who you become. Fight it!

How can these stepping stones help you to grow?

1) Unfruitful Mindsets Are Taken Away: Personal experience has allowed me to glance back in hindsight at the unhealthiness I possessed. I battle with caring what everyone thinks of me. Recently, my continuous growth has seen some of that finally start to evaporate from my life & I love it. A lot of loss in friendships, personal accountability, and a decision to relinquish my investment into others' opinions has helped my world to rebuild. I don't care if I am adored by the world or if I become a famous writer; that is not what I live or stand for. I needed to go through a season of experience and teaching to lose the tiny, yet ever present hunger for self glory that I held. I hadn't realized how much I had lost it until I looked back on the past year and a half & saw how much my thought processes had changed. Having the mindset of a child who is still longing for acceptance does absolutely nothing for your future self. You have to let it go in your own time and you will. Everyone's life story is unique. I had never realized how self hungry I had been until after I went through some experiences; I needed those moments that felt like a test.

2) You Grow Wise Against the Deception of the World: The traveling times I had were much needed; I saw the world for the ugly dark abyss that it is. Society is one huge trap of deception and a lot of people live oblivious to that fact. As A Christian, I grew because I saw just how much a hold Satan has on the world; had I not traveled, I never would have understood the magnitude of his power or his venomous grasp. I needed to go through that year and a half to really understand what is going on in the world around me; I ventured outside my bubble. '

3) You are Drawn Closer to Him: I have found that a lot of times a season of testing is what brings your heart closer to the Lord; especially if you have been feeling far away from Him. Time has recently seen my heart change in a big way. I am through with not being totally sold out to the Lord. You get to that point. Sometimes, He has to break you down to build you better. I lost a lot of who I was to become a better servant to Him. Experiences can cleanse your soul in ways you never imagined. Your heart changes. You grow deeper into Him through your walk sometimes without you being aware until you're at a certain point. Life is so cool isn't it?

I felt that I needed to revive Molly's Zone with this post because I have encountered many a stepping stone; oftentimes I have given into the negative way of looking at life, but I am slowly learning to enjoy me & to not entertain unnecessary thoughts. I hope this helps someone who may be at a "figuring things out" checkpoint in their lives! Turn those "why's and what ifs" into "How can the Lord grow me from this?" 

Embrace your stepping stones!