I Am Human

I am not quite sure how to begin this post. I have never featured content concerning my father or his family before as a writer; to say this past weekend was a huge deal is an understatement. My father and I do not have a close relationship. In all reality, our lifelong connection has largely been nonexistent. My father has been what I call a 'revolving door' parent all of my life and caused a great deal of pain in my childhood and residual effects from an ex stepfather have lasted well into my adult years.

I had a wonderful visit with him and my half sisters on Sunday afternoon: Kathy, Stephanie, and Amanda. My half brother Whit (my father's son) is currently in jail due to drug use and I reconnected with him via telephone. We ate, we talked, and we all took pictures. I even got to meet and hold my newest nephew Jude.

I love my father but my heart just has a hard time overlooking the time that was lost and the painful memories of my past. I wouldn't call it unforgiveness; I forgive him. The time lost and the connections undone are what hurts the most. I sat and ate, remembering my grandmother. She passed away almost ten years ago and to this day the grief is so powerful; sometimes at night I lie in bed and cry because I miss her love and the way she and my great aunt Irene loved me. I grew up extremely close to them as a young child and I had that connection ripped away from me. I possess home videos and candles that Mamaw Ruby & I painted during one afternoon in which she babysat me.

The effect of a visit with my father always plays out the same reaction from my soul: I become nervous before it is time to see him, I go and enjoy myself, and then a few days later the deeply buried grudge I possess returns with a striking force. I know I am not the only person who has experienced dealing with an absentee parent. I so long for the day when he would admit to how he has been without making excuses; with that, I believe the grudge would lessen in its severity. I have grown up with such anxiety towards men and he is part of the reason why; to me, he is the man of empty promises. He never follows through with anything. As a child, I grew up begging for his attention. As I've gotten older, I no longer initiate visits but he is welcome to see me; I will never say no to seeing him. I go any time he asks. He has lied to me countless times.  He goes several years without a visit.

I'm sorry I cannot let that go. I can't pretend like that last twenty years didn't occur. I am happy that my sisters are happy. I wish the best for them. I enjoyed the visit. I enjoyed the food. Happy memories flashed into my mind (my dad's kebabs have always been the best about any cookout that was had when I was a child and my parents were still married)

I know Daddy loves me in his own way. I accept that. I just hope that in time the grudge I hold will disappear.

I am sorry, but I am human.

Lastly, to address the question that I am sure is on everyone's minds after seeing the posts of pictures and seeing my father on Facebook as "Jake Mason". Daddy told me that his Facebook had been hacked continuously and that he felt he had to change his name on it to protect himself; what the actual reason is, I do not know. My father has always been strange; not quite all right in the mind, I don't think. His name is Stephen Spence. The name Jake Mason comes from a time he worked in Orlando at Six Gun Territory, a theme park sort of thing.

I am happy to have my mom and to be where I am at in life; I wanted to share how I felt and explain what may be confusing to some.