3 Ways Writing Helps Me Cope With My Anxiety

Anxiety is most assuredly the most unwelcome guest at my table of life; I can't begin to describe what a struggle it can present itself as from time to time. Since the age of sixteen, I have dealt with this issue on many different, but equally as frustrating levels. Social anxiety, panic attacks, and the seemingly second nature act of social isolation, as a way of dealing with  the embarrassment and stigma that is placed upon those who suffer in this society. Why am I writing about this? I'm sharing my story because I not only want to be a disability advocate, but also a voice for those who share in the struggle of anxiety, and face its effects on the mind and body. You are not alone. We are not alone. 

Writing is a form of therapy that I find to be extremely helpful. I want to share my story because I am a voice. I have words to write, and thoughts to communicate on this matter. I know what it's like. I know how it feels to feel a creeping sense of uneasiness without a logical explanation as to why. I am here to share how I deal with my issue; I am not cured, but I am managed with medication and my passion for writing. How does being a writer help me? 

First of all, writing helps me to freely express myself without the fear of judgment from others that I feel so often from in person socialization. The feel of my pen slowly gliding across the pages of my notebook as I write out my thoughts in such an open and honest way leaves me feeling liberated in a sense. I know that I took on the role of a socially awkward individual as a result of growing up with cerebral palsy plus a couple of non  disability related life issues. I do not want pity. I am simply stating a fact; it is how I've grown up to feel and even as old as I am, I still deal with it at times. It's reality. It's valid.  I am getting better at dealing with anxiety, but it still has its moments of rearing its ugly head. Writing lets me see my thoughts, internalize them, and accept them. 

Secondly, life as a writer keeps my mind active and on many tasks at one time. I love brainstorming, but sometimes I can just take a couple of hours to sit down and let my mind roam, jotting down what I feel, and what's on my heart and mind. A non writing writer is an identity I just can't accept; that life cannot exist for me. A notebook and pen are my therapy; a most vital part of my functioning. A word of advice: keep going with whatever it is you love to do. Not everyone is a writer, but we all have different hobbies and talents within us. Get out there and do what you love. Learn to identify with your craft. Just keep going! You are not alone. We are not alone. 

Lastly, becoming a writer has helped me to gain a unique kind of strength that I don't get from seeing people in person. My writing has helped me to bond and relate to so many other writers who share my same struggles day in and day out. The disability community is open, welcoming, kind, and supportive. We all support one another in our careers and in life generally speaking. Through writing, my in person communication has slightly improved (still a work in progress!) However, I am part of the best group of writing friends a girl can have. The thing about anxiety, you just have to deal with it and try to remember how far you've come, instead of the struggles you face. Remember, you are not alone and together, we are not alone. 

Welcome to my New Page! (Molly's Zone is Back!)

On this September Sunday afternoon, I am excited to announce the launch of Molly's Zone as part of the Blogspot family. Writing is an extension of myself that I have truly needed and missed; as an anxiety sufferer, it is like therapy for my soul. It is my identity. I am a writer. A creator. A visionary.

As you can see, this blog is set up a bit differently and allows for a pretty cool new feature. The one I'm most excited about? EMAIL SUBSCRIBERS! If you would like to be notified of my weekly posts before I actually post them on Tuesdays, please click Subscribe and provide your email address. Join in on the fun!

I have been feeling the absence of blog writing sessions so very much, so I will be returning weekly to share some new content with you guys. The Lord has given me the privilege of writing for Him, so I will have to focus all of my energy on my relationship with Him and my career.

I love you guys. Thank you so much for all of the support over the last two years. New material coming Tuesday (actually in brainstorming mode right now!)

With Love,
Molly

My Story: Jessica Niziolek

Jessica Niziolek

Freelance Blogger, Founder/Writer of The Abler Blog

9.12.17

Welcome to My Story

My name is Jessica. I am 35 years old. I was born with Spastic Hemiplegia Cerebral Palsy which affects the left side of my body. By the age of four, I was put into a wheelchair. I had a major growth spurt which threw off my center of gravity, and I never regained the ability to walk on my own again. In school, I flourished and by the time I graduated from high school in 2001 I had a 4.0 GPA, making high honors all 4 years of high school

 was mainstreamed in all but two classes by my senior year. When I graduated high school, I struggled with the reality of how the world and the state in particular treated young adults with disabilities. The assumption that all disabilities are the same was a rude awakening, and the way they abandon ship the moment you’re placed in a job, or position where things are settled for the time being and then that’s it, you’re on your own. It wasn’t until a year ago when I decided to write a blog that I realized where my talents and passions for both people and writing came together and thus The Abler was born.

I remember it like it was yesterday, my boyfriend and I were talking and I had said, “I am going to start a blog. It’s going to be about the disability community. Both visible and invisible. And I am going to have other topics that have far too much stigma attached, and not enough education or knowledge about them. It’s time someone spoke up. But what do I call it?”

He said, “What about The Abler?”

And a year later I have done roughly 8 interviews, covered 12 topics (so far). The Abler also has its own social media presence with it’s own FB page, FB group, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and StumbleUpon. And this summer, I continue to grow as a writer, and spread the message of The Abler by being allowed to share my story as a contributing writer for MEDIUM.COM, The Mighty, Project Wednesday, Scripted Sweetz, and (soon to be contributor) for the Easy Stand blog, and now I am sharing my story on Molly’s Zone. I have learned that whatever plans you have for life aren’t as worthy as the ones God has planned for you.

How my journey with The Abler began was so simple and pure. My precious baby sister was diagnosed with a very serious neurological disorder called cluster headaches. This disease is not widely known amongst the medical field and because of that, my sister wasn’t being believed about her illness or the severe pain she goes through on a daily basis. You can imagine being the older sibling and wanting to protect my sister, and how helpless and frustrated I felt.

I am a big believer in turning your mess into a message. The chronic pain, illness, visible, and invisible disability communities have a message that not only needs to be believed but most importantly heard. And they need a non-judgmental and safe place to do that. And I hope I have accomplished that with The Abler. It took me a very long time to be okay with the fact that I was not going to be on the exact path as everyone else my age, and I realize that was because God had better things in store for my life.

My work with The Abler has helped me to embrace change more, and grow as a woman, writer, and human being. I have learned so much from the amazing people I have met while doing The Abler. And I am so fortunate for the many doors that have opened so far for me. I’d like to take a moment and thank Molly’s Zone for allowing me to share my story with her and her readers. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to speak with you all today.

Here is the link to The Abler if anyone would like to check it out: https://seetheabled.blogspot.com

As well as the other social media platforms you can find The Abler on.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theablerblog/?hl=en

Twitter: https://twitter.com/J4theablerblog1

Facebook group: The Official Facebook Group For The Abler Blog: https://www.facebook.com/groups/326291217746986/

Facebook “Like” Page: https//www.facebook.com/seetheabledtheablerblog/

Pinterest: https//www.pinterest.com/angelluv2write/the-abler-official-board/

StumbleUpon:https://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/jniziolek2

July/August Update

Hey guys! I am just now getting around to doing a new blog; I have been so busy the past few weeks and it has been hard to find any time to put my thoughts to words. Here I am! I could have done a vlog, but there's just something about writing that makes my soul happy. 

As you all can probably tell, the past few weeks I have been trying to take Molly's Zone in a slightly new direction; I have been featuring some of my writing pals from The Mighty on the blog and of course, Noelle contributed for the first time. I loved seeing her so happy to see her writing up on  Molly's Zone ; making people happy is what my life is all about. I want my blog to be inclusive of everyone with disabilities, not just about me so I have had a few wonderful guest contributors! (Quick shout out and a thank you to those who sent in their work). 

Last Sunday was my mother's birthday; we had a rather quiet day at home, but we did celebrate with a birthday dinner out that evening before I went to church. 

The past week has been full of new experiences for Miss Molly. Tuesday was New Member Orientation day for the newly governor appointed members of the West Virginia Statewide Independent Living Council, and then Wednesday was my first official meeting as a council member (I actually talked a little more during, which I felt extremely proud of because I'm usually a shy person, but I am definitely finding my voice!) Orientation was a blast! I am one of seven new members. I love everyone, and I'm quickly making new friends. I got really brave and spontaneously tagged along on a horseback riding adventure after orientation with two fellow council members. I freaked out a little bit beforehand, but I did it! You can do anything as long as you put your mind to it! 

Independent living history is very fascinating; during orientation we watched part of a documentary on it and I loved it. I wish I could have watched the whole thing; this arena is definitely one I see myself becoming passionate about throughout my life and experience with the council. I just want to say I love each and every one of the members and I want to thank you for making me feel so loved and welcomed; it really is like a family. I felt that this week. 

July saw my writing reach yet another platform, as I am now a monthly contributor for Project Wednesday. The people I have met and continue to meet through these websites are just amazing. I am having so much fun. Project Wednesday is a place where I want to unleash my non disability related material. As I said, my first piece was published for PW several weeks ago, and I have a poetry piece scheduled for release on August 12th! So exciting! Writing is truly in my genes. I love it and I'm hoping to tackle fiction soon. My mother and sister both are good writers (my sister also has a family centered blog!), my grandfather wrote poetry, and I was told my great grandfather wrote actual stories. We'll just see where life takes me! Life is so much fun when you trust Christ with all you got!

How Publicly Revealing My Disability Improved My Body Image

“This is it; there's no going back now,” I thought, as I stared at the two words that typically struck fear into my heart.

Cerebral palsy.

My diagnosis -- the secret to which I had clung for much of my life -- now hovered above a published piece of writing.  A piece of writing centered around my personal experiences living with mild cerebral palsy.  A piece of writing that -- unbeknownst to me at the time -- would transform my perception of my body forever.

I, like many other women, have had a fraught relationship with my body for the majority of my life.  From a young age, I internalized messages from the media about the “ideal” woman’s body -- the type of body society prizes. Tall.  Slender.  Symmetrical. Able-bodied. Despite my understanding that one particular body type was perceived as the ideal, I have long found beauty in all bodies -- with the glaring exception of my own.  I have always been tall, long-legged and slender -- outwardly, an apparent manifestation of societal beauty standards -- but my body image was complicated both by internalized ableism and by the immutability of my life circumstances.  I had internalized so much ableism throughout my life that -- despite seeing beauty in other women with disabilities -- I personally felt I needed to be able-bodied to feel beautiful.  However, I was born with cerebral palsy, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I could never be able-bodied, and thus, could never attain the body -- and I presumed, the feeling of beauty -- for which I strove.  

Cerebral palsy -- a neurological disorder affecting movement, balance and posture -- can cause certain muscle groups to remain in a constant state of tension and weakness.  As a result -- due to muscle atrophy -- my affected leg is skinnier and slightly shorter than the other.  Although this subtle difference has rarely been apparent to other people, for years, it was the focal point of my bodily criticisms -- and my desire to conceal

it from others wholly consumed my thoughts.  Eventually, I arrived at the understanding that my fixation on my disabled body was not only unhealthy and unproductive, but also was actively holding me back from achieving my dreams.  How was I to resolve the years of internalized ableism that forged my negative body image?

I knew that if I ever wanted to make peace with my body and find solace in my identity as a woman with a disability, I needed to not only write about my experience living with cerebral palsy, but also to seek publication for my writing.  The prospect was daunting, as I had spent years hiding my medical condition to the best of my ability and attempting to pass as able-bodied.  However, I knew that publicly declaring my status as a disabled woman could allow me to love and appreciate my body in its entirety, so I forged ahead.

I began writing, but three sentences in, my breath caught in my chest and my heart raced.  I was on the verge of tears as I typed the two words that evoked painful, visceral emotion.

Cerebral palsy.

“I can't do this,” I thought.  “I don't want the world to know my medical history.  I need to stop writing.”

Several days later, however, the alluring prospect of a positive body image and a changed life drew me back in, despite my trepidation.  As I wrote, my fear and self-loathing was stripped away in tandem with my guise of able-bodiedness.  I felt completely vulnerable, but through the raw nature of my writing, I began to nurture a quiet self-acceptance.  As I edited, polished and prepared to submit my writing, however, I worried.  Am I making the right choice?  What if nothing changes?  Have I poured out my heart and soul in vain?

I submitted my writing; anticipating a future as a woman who would fully embrace disability as an integral facet of her identity.  I knew that for better or for worse, when my writing came out -- when I would publicly reveal my cerebral palsy -- my life would be changed forever.  Despite my uncertain future, I remained optimistic about the impact that sharing my experiences as a woman with a disability could have on my life.  I hoped that the years of ableism I had internalized would slowly dissipate, like petals in the wind.  I dreamt of a future in which I would no longer feel the relentless, societally-imposed pressure to attain a body I could never have.  I yearned to ignite a vehement, unwavering self-love -- a love so ardent it would last forever.

Five days later, I was surprised to discover that my writing -- my experiences with cerebral palsy -- had already been published.  I was keenly aware that now, nearly anyone could read my story -- and view my body in a new light.

“This is it; there's no going back now,” I thought, as I stared down at the two words that typically struck fear into my heart.

Cerebral palsy.

For the first time in my life, upon reading these words -- the secret I had held so close to my heart -- I no longer felt afraid.  I felt a sense of pride, not solely in myself, but in my body.  I realized that though to the outside world, my body may seem stiff, uncoordinated and unforgiving, my perpetually tense body possesses a powerful, invisible strength -- strength magnified by my experiences with cerebral palsy.  My body withstood years of therapies and medical procedures.  My body successfully recovered from orthopedic surgery.  My body survives the intense physical pain brought on by demanding 9-to-5 work.  The beauty of my body lies in its strength -- the strength to transcend the complications of cerebral palsy.

That night, I looked at myself in the mirror, scanning over my entire body.  I was clad in a T-shirt and leggings, hair down and slightly wavy, no makeup -- I was purely myself.  My eyes fell on my tense muscles, my uneven, off-kilter hip bones, my slightly in-turned knee, and the surgical scars permeating my foot.  For the first time in years, I did not criticize any aspect of my appearance.  In that moment, the quiet self-acceptance I had fostered through my writing reached a roaring crescendo and blossomed into unapologetic self-love as I realized the truth: Every inch of my body is beautiful. I am beautiful.

I stood in awe of my body, amazed by its beauty.  I realized then that by publicly revealing my cerebral palsy and allowing the world to understand my body in its entirety, I had relieved myself of the societally-induced pressure to attain a “perfect” body.  My writing was not only a window for others to view my life with clarity; it was a lens through which I could vividly see my own beauty.  In that moment, I was transformed by the power of positive self-perception.  In that moment, I ignited the ardent self-love for which I yearned -- a self-love I have vowed to carry with me for the rest of my life. In that moment, I decisively spoke the words I now fervently believe: “I am disabled, and I am beautiful.”

*Originally published by HelloGiggles

How I'm Moving Forward with Cerebral Palsy One Step at A Time

July 18, 2017

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Juliana Ruggiero

My name is Juliana Ruggiero; I’m 18 and have spastic cerebral palsy. My story begins in 1999. I was a fragile preemie who weighed only 3.10 pounds. My parents were not able to hold me when I first came out; I was taken away to the NICU as soon as I was born. I was on a breathing machine and closely monitored by a team of doctors until I was stable enough and my lungs were developed enough to function on their own.

Not even a few days into being in the world, I had a stroke and my brain bled inside. Doctors thought it was nothing, but the neurologist on call that night didn’t believe it and wanted to do an ultrasound on my head just to be sure. At just 4 days old, I got the ultrasound done, and the results were not what my parents and family wanted to hear. “There’s a black spot and a bleed on your daughter’s brain,” the doctor said. She paused and explained it was brain damage and I might have cerebral palsy, but only testing would confirm it.

The neurologist started with a basic test to see how much damage the stroke had caused to my body. She had me move my fingers, hands, feet and toes. The stroke had caused me to lose movement in those important body parts. I spent most of my time in the hospital for viruses and sickness. When I was finally stable enough, they thought I was going to be able to go home and “live a normal” life. But I was a tough baby, always crying, sick, on a ton of medications and fussy. No one, not even my doctors gave up on me. Without that amazing team of doctors, my family and I would not be where we are today.

I started going to routine checkups with the neurologist once I was finally released from the hospital. With a little bit of hard work and instruction, I was able to regain feeling in every place… Except for one. My legs. The stroke had done the most damage to my legs; they were motionless and I couldn’t move them at all. It still wasn’t confirmed if I had CP or not. About a month or two later, I had another ultrasound done to see if the black spot or bleeding went away. The results were still the same and my legs were tighter than ever.

 On January 7, 1999, we got the confirmed news from that same neurologist that would change all of our lives forever…

“It is confirmed that your daughter has cerebral palsy.”
What would that mean for us, for me?

An orthopedic doctor recommended a gait test be done to see what form of CP I had. So we headed to Hartford Hospital, where the gait test was performed. When I walked, the doctor noticed I was dangling my legs underneath me like “scissor blades.” He said I had a very mild form of the most common type of CP, spastic diplegia. The doctor also noticed when I sat on a table, my leg muscles wouldn’t relax and dangle naturally. He said to give it some time and if nothing changed, I would need surgery to correct the problem.

I started school in the year 2000. That year my health started getting out of control. I was always sick, in and out of the hospital again and again for countless ear infections and many other things. But in the year 2oo1 my family was faced with a tough choice. There was no progress with my legs, so the doctor decided I needed to have surgery to release my muscles and walk effectively with my walker.

So on January 7, 2001 just a few days after I turned 4, I had my leg operation. I was supposed to be out of school for two months per my doctor; that’s how long it would take for me to recover. But it didn’t go that way. I was back in school a week after having surgery and had no option but do my recovery plan while in school. After two months of stretching, frustration and tears I was able to get my casts taken off and was able to walk with the help of leg braces. I truly know without the branch of support back then, I would not have made it through this difficult time.

Today at 18, I’m thriving and stronger and heather then ever. I will be graduating high school at the end of this week. I’m headed off to to Gateway Community College in the fall. I recently launched my own blog called Juliana Living With CP: One Step at a Time. CP doesn’t define me or who I am. you should not let it define you no matter what people say or how “good” or “bad,” “mild” or “severe” it may be. I do have my “why me” days sometimes, but I don’t let it stop me from  doing what I want to do!

*Originally published on The Mighty*